Author Archives: Stacey

Slain, Explained

I’m standing at the front of the church with about fifty other people. We’re lined up shoulder to shoulder, stretched from one side of the church to the other. It’s not just a regular run-of-the-mill service. There’s a guest speaker in … Continue reading

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husband socks

When I was little, I wanted to marry a horse. Specifically, a little white pony named Snowball that I rode every Friday during an hour-long lesson at the Windy Hill Riding Academy in Library, PA. It didn’t matter that Snowball … Continue reading

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ode to joy

I’d just finished looking over the potluck buffet for the second time, making sure I didn’t miss anything good that might have showed up late. That’s when the trouble started. “Where did he even come from?” I thought. It was like he … Continue reading

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the most prolific act of my senior year

I’d been dreaming about the prom for years. It all sounded so romantic: the dress! the moonlight! the hot date!  It was like a Wedding Junior.  So when I transferred to a small Christian school for my senior year, I hit … Continue reading

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The Yellow Light of Sobriety

I am not a good smoker, of anything.  I once attempted to smoke a cigarette at a bar to fit in with my bad-ass cousin, but she was onto me immediately. “You don’t really smoke, do you?” she said. “No,” I said, … Continue reading

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Say it with a Smile

I learned to kite during a week-long clinic in Hatteras. More accurately:  I continued to learn to kite during a week-long clinic in Hatteras.  This was after 2 or 3 lessons in Newport, another 6 months just flying a trainer kite … Continue reading

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popularity contest

Two hours after being appointed Location Manager of the New York Best Kiteboarding Lesson Center (no additional compensation, just the glory!), it became painfully clear to me that I didn’t actually want to BE a Location Manager. It was a lot … Continue reading

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dan james and his cookie plate

(Names have been changed to protect the guilty.) Every Christmas, my mother makes a cookie plate for Dan James. She gives it to him right after church in the parking lot, and he eats its entire contents during the ride … Continue reading

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motherhood

When I first heard about test-tube babies, I thought FINALLY! I never wanted to go through the whole nine-months-of-being-pregnant process – I couldn’t even last six weeks with a cast on my wrist – but now that there was a … Continue reading

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Might as well face it, I’m a dick with a glove

Misheard lyrics, oh how I love them. I could waste hours on the Kissthisguy website. And the explanations from the people doing the mishearing make the lyrics even funnier: “I thought it was a song about Michael Jackson and I … Continue reading

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