theme of the day: time machines do exist!

Here is what’s happening on match.com today, which is a representative sample and can be used to extrapolate how the rest of my days on match.com have been going.

(I am aware that I am probably breaking some rule by posting pictures of actual people on my blog without express written permission, but 1) I don’t think they’d give me their express permission if I asked, and 2) if they didn’t want their plights and pictures showing up on my blog, they shouldn’t have joined the same online dating site that I happened to join.  Buyer, beware.)

1) “Luv2pamperu” is a 55 year old man from Virginia and he just winked at me. I repeat, he’s a 55-year-old man. Is this the picture of a 55-year-old man? No, it is not.  It looks like a picture of Harrison Jones, who I used to Crossfit with, who is 25, wearing a fake moustache. 

I am, however, looking forward to our first date, when we hop into his time machine and go back to 1985, when denim-collared plaid shirts had a better chance of being in style. I’ve never travelled in a time machine before and I think it will be fun.

2) “Outdoorguy” emailed me, saying he owns a place close to where I live and that I should call him, etc. But when I clicked on his profile, this is what came up: “Additional profile information unavailable.”

Seriously? WTF. Which is exactly what I replied to him. “Seriously? WTF.”

He responded with:  “When I start getting overwhelmed by incoming responses, I take it down.”

Wow! He must be one hot tuna, if he’s getting overwhelmed with responses.  I better act fast before he disappears from the market!  However, if someone is “overwhelmed” by match.com, how in the world is he dealing with more important issues, like the probable collapse of the economy, the recession, etc? IT’S MATCH.COM, for crying out loud. Buck up, Little Camper. 

3) “LASER8” is from Pittsburgh, PA! I can see him when I’m home for the holidays, which is like … pretty much this week! Oh goody! Let me call him now! Hopefully, he’ll take me on a hot date and we can stand in front of a hindu display and have our pictures taken with the natives! I can’t wait!

4) “GreeneyedTraveler”:  A number of things disturb me about the green-eyed traveler.  The first picture is his “leading” picture … the “hook” … and ok, there’s a certain boyish charm about him, so I click “next” to see more. The next picture, which is obviously a more current picture, explains why the first picture is filled with boyish charm: he was a boy when the picture was taken. Perhaps THIS guy has a time machine too and he likes to green-eyed travel in time.

SECONDLY, here are his other pictures. A) He claims to be athletic and toned (see the area below that I’ve highlighted, for your convenience, with a red square. I guess we need the time machine for that, too?) And B) Exactly what subliminal message is he trying to send me with his final picture?

5) “Impulse 444″ is from McDonough, Georgia.  He emailed me. “Hello! … email me back if you would like.”

And here are the very first lines of his profile: “I am not interested in anyone that is from out of state, so please do not respond I promise you I will not respond back so please do not waste your time.” 

Since I live in North Carolina, that qualifies me as “out of state,” so I’m going to take his advice, and not respond. Talk about wasting my time. Jerk.  He wasn’t even all that cute, anyway.

6) “Footballer”:   Alright! It’s Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite! “Wanna see my video?” Someone get this guy a time machine, so he can go back in time and take State! Maybe GreeneyedTraveler with the Leaning Tower of Pisa between his legs will let us borrow HIS time machine!  Yummy!

Okay, that’s enough for today. I can go on forever, but I need to go do something more exciting, like laundry.

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2 Responses to theme of the day: time machines do exist!

  1. dave says:

    For some reason I feel compelled to send you a photo or two so that you can slice and dice me – or maybe not – then subject me to a post with your written homily. Like you I thoroughly thrive on competition and embrace the physical aspects of such and have always maintained a body fat level of 7%. Like you I am also on match.com. Lastly I would be remiss if I did not comment on your photo at the top of your blog page – great look, atypical, oddly refreshing and borderline becoming, and packed with a nonconformist attitude. Write me.

  2. Mike says:

    I’m a man who just joined Match.com this week and found this article in your blog when I ran a Google search to determine the significance of the “Additional profile information unavailable” message. All I have to say is I haven’t laughed so much in weeks! If only there were women like you in NY. Intelligence, sense of humor, and wit are my holy trinity of seduction. I’d toss my boxer briefs at the computer screen if it wasn’t such a creepy gesture.

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